“Well, I always know what I want. And when you know what you want—you go toward it. Sometimes you go very fast, and sometimes only an inch a year. Perhaps you feel happier when you go fast. I don’t know. I’ve forgotten the difference long ago, because it really doesn’t matter, so long as you move.” –Ayn Rand
Hello friend,
Today is my birthday! I am 44 years old. Forty-four years in my version of the human experience. Running, crawling, stumbling, falling, and getting up to run again. After all of these years, I remain completely fascinated by this giant, cumbersome, and beautiful thing called LIFE. I think that is the real reason I journal every day: because there is no end to my fascination with the human experience, specifically my own human experience. I never tire of tracking my heart and mind and the seemingly infinite variety of responses they have to the ordinary events of existence on this place we call Earth. I love it here!
Life thrills me, challenges me, touches my spirit, and breaks my heart. The only things I am sure about Life are 1) It changes constantly, and 2) It goes on. For both of these reasons, I have learned how important it is to stay present and focused on the here and now. Now is the only moment we have. I get that. I am committed to the idea. But…
Every year, my birthday rolls around, and I am compelled to take stock. I know I do this a lot as a daily journal-writer, too, but the stock-taking intensifies around birthday time (okay, I confess, around the New Year, too). It’s not intentional. In fact, I sometimes think I should resist because it is such a cliché, but I don’t. I enjoy the process too much. As a guy who sees fostering self-awareness as a major component of his life purpose, this is like the holiday season for me!
So, for the last few weeks, I have been allowing my mind some wonderful journeys out of the precious present and into the past and future. I have let myself travel through the past year, the past several years, to take a new look at where I have been and how I got here. I also let myself take a little peek ahead to be sure I am clear about where I am trying to go, where I would like this road to lead (of course, The Road of Life sometimes has its own plans for our journey no matter how carefully we map out our trip).
When I take my look back and compare it to everything I had planned and aspired to, I can be pretty hard on myself. After all, I was supposed to be so much further along by now, at least with the outward signs of my success. I was supposed to have books published, speaking tours completed, and a huge, loyal audience that had been profoundly changed by my work (oh yeah, and a bank account that matches). If that is my standard, well, then I can plainly say that at 44, I have failed pretty miserably.
I have thought a lot about these failings lately amidst my birthday ponderings. They don’t sit well with me. I want to do better. I must do better. It can be pretty easy for me to slip into excuses and indulge in my frustrations over the lack of time to do the things I feel called to do. But I am trying to just own it right now. I haven’t come as far as I have wanted to, and there are reasons/excuses that I can either cling to or find a way to work around.
But while I am owning that reality, my ponderings have found me pivoting away from my stumbles—forgiving myself, maybe–toward some of the ways I have gotten up and continued on in spite of those stumbles. I judge most of this stuff based on the past four years of my life. As I was approaching 40, I really woke up to my dreams and my purpose for the first time after many years of sleepwalking. I have been grinding ever since and judging myself—usually harshly—based on my progress in the direction of those dreams. So, while the shortcomings may be the low-hanging fruit when it comes to self-evaluating my life at 44, I am working to find the more optimistic view. I know I would do that for a friend, so it’s about time I offered myself that same sort of grace.
In spite of my frustrations around lack of time, I have not given up on my dreams. I continue to write and to closely guard my free time rather than just Yessing myself to death, twisting in the winds of circumstance and cursing the unfairness of it all, the inevitability of my failure. (Well, I do, of course, curse the unfairness of it all, but I haven’t allowed it to break my spirit.) I continue to try to squeeze the last drops out of each hour, even if I have failed in the previous hour. And at bottom, I really do feel a difference in my intentions than I did four years ago.
My days are shaped around the direction I am going. It is so clear what I am saying “Yes” to, so the “No”s are easier to deliver. There is no doubt that I will be producing a blog post on Sunday and why. There is no doubt about the bigger projects that I am chipping away at, no mistaking their value to me and how deserving of my precious free time they are.
Maybe the simplest way to say it is that I am focused now. There is a clarity about what I value and how I want to translate those values into action items that both speak to my heart and best utilize my strengths. I walk with a purpose now.
So, while my lack of tangible success is a bitter pill that I still swallow daily, I am heartened, at least, by the mindset that I have evolved into and that guides me through these beautiful, golden days. I have a True North, and that is priceless in the face of all of the external signs of success that I am lacking. With that True North, I will keep on my journey, my adventure. It is going to be an amazing, rewarding 45th year, come what may! I am already grateful.
How about you? How would you evaluate your life at this point? Open up your journal and allow your mind to wander back through the last year or more for a look at how well you are finding your way in the world. How has the last year gone for you? When you look at it, are you more drawn to the dark spots or the bright moments of progress and achievement? In the more tangible measurements—doing things you want to be doing, being rewarded for living your passion, achieving goals—how are you doing compared to your hopes and expectations? How does that grade you give yourself, whether good or bad, sit with you? Are you frustrated with your lack of progress toward your goals this year? On that front, how has this year compared to other years? How about some of the more intangible measures—overall satisfaction, sense of fulfillment, happiness, clarity of purpose, energy, focus—how are you doing with those at this age? Have they improved in the last year? From the spot you sit now, what do you expect from the coming year, both externally and internally? Do you believe it will be a better year than this last one has been? What are the things you can start doing now to improve your situation and give yourself a shot at a banner year? Will you commit to those action steps riht now? I dare you! Leave me a reply and let me know: How has your year been?
Make it all golden,
William
P.S. If this letter helped you to take stock, share it with a loved one. Lets make this year our best year. Cheers!